xxx 'n' xxx

It has been more than a month since i blogged.
time flies so fast. really.. too fast.
completed my GRE,
started applying for sch, only two so far but not the least completed.
stuck writing my statement of purpose.
stuck writing my statement of....

what is my purpose?
what do I want?
Do I really want to spend 5 years pursuing something that I am not 100% passionate about?
5 years, 5*365+1 isn 't a short time. i'll be at least 29 when I finally graduate again.

so now, what I wanna do IF i am n not going to study?
what am I going to do?
work?
had applied for a few companies with no avail for the past few weeks.
but I felt nothing when I recieved my rejection email.
so what?
that is how i feel.

i think my biggest flaw is being apathetic. I do not know and do not want to blame anyone instilling it into me. it is me.

apathetic. procrastination.laziness.
all come together.
the lack of passion and drive to do something.
make everything seem grey.
passive. no energy to accomplish anything.
everything passive.
like the shopping cart in a hypermart. waiting for someone to push, to pile it with all sorts of rubbish.

I do not want to be so. I do not want to be filled with something I do not want.
I do not want to do what I do not want.
I do want to know what I want.

What I want?

Life feels like the mangrove swamp I want to last weekend.
Mushy. Marsh. Muddy. Messy.
My legs are in the wet soil.
I'm stuck. can't move anywhere.
tide comes in.
I can't move.